Memories

Throughout our lives memories are being made, stored and retrieved. Memories are something that should last you a lifetime.  In my case I did not have memories of my childhood growing up. As I continued to be seizure free I had many questions about my past. My parents did not understand why I could not remember my past. As they would ask me questions regarding my past, they learned more and more, that I truly could not recall events that had taken place.  They would ask me if I remembered going on a cruise as a family or even going to the Caribbean. All I could say is “I don’t remember that.”

When I looked back at my childhood there were only a very few events that I could recall. One was when Bredt chased Kirsten from outside all the way to her bedroom and kicking her door, that it indented it. Another memory I have is when we would all go out to dinner on Friday nights as a family or when we would go to my brother’s soccer games up at Penn State university and I would go under the seats to collect plastic cups that had the nittany lion on them.

Why do I have these memories and not others? Part of me wonders if it is because I have a visual of what took place. Was it because it was a unique situation or that it happened more then once? The only other way that I have been able to recall memories is by look through pictures. Is it the same as remembering them; no, but at least when I look at these pictures I can say “oh yea I remember that.” I do not remember the whole event that took place, but I might remember that particular place where the picture was taken. One example is when Kirsten was a cheerleader in high school. When I look at a picture I briefly remember being a part of her cheerleading squad and cheering with her, but I don’t remember it 100%.  I do however; remember being there and knowing that it had taken place. Then there are other pictures that I look at and I don’t remember that event at all.

According to Epilepsy Society and Epilepsy Therapy Project (EPT) it is not unusual for people who have epilepsy to have memory problems. If you have mostly generalized seizures such as absence or tonic-clonic (grand mal) seizure you are less likely to have problems with your thinking then someone who has partial-onset seizures. (Seizures that begin in one area of the brain, often the temporal lobe.) As a result the temporal lobe is responsible for creating memories

Not only can memory problems occur due to the type of seizures you have and the location of where the seizure is being affected, but results of medication can influence your memories. They can also affect the speed at which the brain can process information. The effect of concentration or mood, lack of sleep, age or the effect of epilepsy surgery can also have an impact on your memories.

According to Epilepsy Action memories before a seizure can also be lost, as they have not been fully incorporated into our memory system. During the seizure our memory may also be affected, because of the loss of consciousness can interfere with normal brain processes, disrupting the encoding and storage of information. Memory problems can affect people in different ways; in my case it affected my long-term and short-term memory.  Since I had complex partial seizures that affected the temporal lobe and the doctors had also removed part of that area as well, makes me wonder was it the constant seizures I had, the brain surgery, the high dosage of medication I was on or was it all of it combined?  Regardless what it was it had an affected my memory. 

As most people can remember major events in life, I can’t. Some of the things that happened in life were anywhere from long-term events to a one day event.

One thing I did over a long period of time was play soccer. Although I can recall that I played soccer, there are other things I don’t remember about playing soccer.  I don’t remember the games that I played, how I played, or games that I won. Even though I could tell you the names of the girls on the team, what I couldn’t tell you is how they might of treated me.

Some of the shorter events that most people would remember are vacationing with family. As a family we would go on many trips anywhere from Florida, the Caribbean, to a cruise. None of these trips I can remember even when I look at pictures. I simply do not recall it.

Another event that most girls would never forget is being a flower girl, walking down the aisle, throwing flowers. I can look at the pictures from that beautiful day and see what I looked like back the, but I have no recollection of that event.

One last event that took place was a field trip to Cape Henlopen. This was a huge thing in 7^th grade as we would be away for a week away from our parents. Unfortunately, my camping experience only lasted one day. By the next day I would become toxic from ingredients in my medications, as I was unable to keep food down, including my medications. Maybe it is good that I can’t remember this, but at the same time it was something I will never be able to experience again.

Although, I know these events occurred, it is something I will never be able to know what it really felt like experiencing it. Also as most people will tell stories about there past, this is something I will never be able to do. 

Luckily, I had come out of surgery knowing my math, reading and everyday basics from school, but my past did not remember learning it. How did I know how to write words, blend letters together to make a word or simply how to add? I had no recollection of learning it, but I knew how to do it. Also, I had no clue who my friends were except for one person. So school was not only nervous for me because it was a new building, but it was overwhelming because I did not know who I should hang out with that would accept me for me.

Something more difficult then not remembering my past was the fact that 6 months prior to my brain surgery I had lost my sister, Kirsten. This was not easy for me to accept. I could recall the night that she had passed away and how I had a friend sleep over. That night we were woken up in the middle of the night by a lot of commotion in the house and I recall her sitting in the car not moving. The next thing I can remember is the day of her funeral and my family asking me if there was anything I wanted to say about her. I remember being in tears crying saying “no.” Other then that I have very little memories of her. What did she do with me when I was little? What did she think of me as I had seizures?  What did she like to do for fun? These are things I do not know without asking my parents. This is something I will always wonder about. Was it the seizures that prevented me from remembering things or did the brain surgery take my memories away from me?